Compassion gets a lot of attention in positive psychology, and for good reason – it’s a major concern of many religious and philosophical leaders, including the Dalai Lama and Pope Francis.
Compassion is a foundation for sharing our aliveness and building a more humane world.
In addition, research has shown that compassion can have amazing benefits. Like the ripple created by throwing a pebble in a pond, one act of compassion can have a ripple effect that may reach around the world.
Compassion is considered a vital quality by many people, and now it has its own therapy: Compassion Focused Therapy. This therapy emphasizes the importance of applying compassion – for the self, for your loved ones, and for strangers – for living a healthy and happy life.
To learn more about Compassion Focused Therapy and the exercises and techniques that can help you be a more compassionate person, read on.
Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you increase the compassion and kindness you show yourself but will also give you the tools to help your clients, students, or employees show more compassion to themselves.
According to the Compassionate Mind Foundation, Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) is:
“an evidence-based form of psychotherapy that draws upon our evolved capacity for compassion to facilitate the alleviation of human suffering”
CFT was developed by Dr. Paul Gilbert, a psychologist from England who believed that compassion (both self- and other-focused) could be the key to relieving intrusive feelings of shame and self-criticism (Gilbert, 2009).
So, what sets Compassion Focused Therapy apart from other types of therapy? Surely all therapies have some kind of component related to compassion?
While other therapies may employ similar techniques, focus on similar issues, or work toward similar goals, there are a few features that set CFT apart:
With these features in mind, let’s take a look at some of the best CFT-based exercises.
These detailed, science-based exercises will equip you to help others create a kinder and more nurturing relationship with themselves.
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There are many Compassion Focused Therapy exercises to be found online. These exercises are pulled from a manual from the CFT founder himself, Dr. Paul Gilbert (2010a). The PDF can be found here.
To practice the soothing rhythm breathing exercise, first make sure that you are sitting comfortably with both feet flat on the floor, about shoulder’s width apart. Rest your hands on top of your legs and close your eyes or look down at the floor. Let yourself have a gentle facial expression, like a small smile.
Begin to focus on your breathing. Allow the air of each breath to come down into your diaphragm and feel it move in and out as you breathe. Play with the speed of your breath until you find a comfortable, soothing rhythm of breath.
You will likely find that your soothing rhythm is about three seconds in-breath, a slight pause, and three seconds out-breath. Continue focusing just on your breathing, through your nose, and in your peaceful rhythm.
Next comes a grounding moment. Turn your attention to your body, sensing the weight of your body resting on the chair and the floor underneath you. Let yourself feel held and supported by the chair.
Remember that it is okay for your mind to wander – just notice where it wanders, and gently guide it back to awareness of your body. Feel the air flowing in and out of your nostrils, and simply allow yourself to “be.”
If you find yourself stuck on noticing your breathing, let yourself focus on an object instead. You can hold something like a smooth stone or a softball, something that feels good to hold. Focus on the object as well as your breathing, and note the way it feels to hold the object.
When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes and bring yourself back to the present moment. A small stretch and a deep breath can help you ready yourself for the rest of your day.
Soothing rhythm breathing - compassion focused therapy exerciseThis exercise builds on top of the soothing rhythm breathing you just read about. To begin, bring yourself to a calm and soothing focus on your breath.
Next, focus on how your legs feel. Imagine that all the tension in your legs is flowing down through your legs, into the floor, and away. Let the tension go. As you breathe in, notice the tension, and as you breathe out, imagine the tension flowing away. Imagine your legs feeling grateful that the tension is leaving. You may find it helpful to slightly tense your leg muscles as you breathe in, and allow them to relax as you breathe out.
Move your focus to your body, and repeat the process of breathing in and noticing the tension, this time in your shoulders, and breathing out and allowing it to flow away into the floor and away. Feel your body’s gratitude as you empty it of tension, and enjoy the feeling of being kind to your body.
Focus on the tips of your fingers next. Imagine the tension stored there and allow it to be released, through your hands, your wrists, your arms, elbows, and shoulders, and finally all the way through your body to the floor.
Next, move on to the tension in your head, neck, and forehead. Allow them to relax with each breath, and visualize the tension running down through your shoulders, your stomach and your back, all the way down through your legs and into the floor.
Finally, focus on your whole body. Each time you breathe, focus on the word “Relax.” Imagine your body becoming a bit more relaxed with every breath. Practice this breath for a few minutes.
End the exercise by taking a deep breath, moving your body around a little, and notice how your body feels now, especially in comparison to how it felt when you began. Allow yourself to be grateful for your body, and for your body to be grateful for the special attention and release it just received.
When you are ready, get up and go about your day feeling a bit more relaxed.
Begin this exercise with another session of soothing rhythm breathing. Create a sense of calmness, safety, and peace within yourself.
When your sense of calmness, safety, and peace is in place, imagine looking around yourself. What can you see? Your safe and peaceful place may be a beautiful forest with leaves dancing on the breeze.
It may be by the ocean, hearing the gently crashing waves rolling in and out on a soft, sandy beach. It might be a special place for you, like your grandmother’s kitchen when you were a child or a special vacation place.
Wherever this place is, focus on what you can feel. In your safe place, you may feel the sun on your face, a breeze lifting your hair or caressing your cheek or the heat of a campfire burning. You may feel sand between your toes or the ambient warmth of a cozy kitchen.
Next, think about what you can hear. You might hear rolling waves or seagulls crying at the beach. You might hear the fire crackling or the sounds of your grandmother baking. Perhaps you hear the soft cries of the birds in the trees or the rustling of leaves in the breeze.
Now focus on what you can smell. Maybe you smell the fresh scent of pine, the salty smell of the ocean, the delicious scent of apple pie baking in the oven, or the smell of a crackling log fire.
Allow your body to relax – your whole body, which includes your face. Let your face show your pleasure at being in the safe space.
Finally, imagine that your safe place actually finds joy in your presence as well. Feel how your safe place rejoices when you arrive, and feel your own pleasure at being there mirrored back to it. Create an emotional connection with this place, and return to it whenever you need to feel safe, loved, and at peace.
This exercise also begins with your soothing rhythm breath. Bring yourself to a sense of calm and allow yourself to simply breathe and simply be.
When you’re ready to move on, imagine a color that you associate with compassion, kindness, or warmth. There are no rules on what color this can be – it will likely be different for everyone, it only needs to remind you of compassion.
Imagine this compassionate color surrounding you. Once it has surrounded you, imagine it entering through your chest, near your heart, and slowly spreading through every inch of your body.
If this imagery doesn’t call to you, try imagining a mist or a light made of this color that slowly drifts or flows through you.
As the color permeates your body, focus on this color as one of wisdom, strength, warmth, and total kindness. Create a facial expression to match the feelings of this color, and make sure to keep this expression on your face as you practice this exercise.
As you imagine the color flowing through you, focus on the feeling that this color’s sole purpose is to help you, strengthen you, and support you. Allow yourself to feel supported and loved.
The compassionate self is a vital sense of self to develop, both for your compassion for others and for yourself.
Once again, begin with your soothing rhythm breathing. When your body has slowed down a bit and you feel ready to begin, imagine that you are a deeply compassionate person. Think of all the qualities you would ideally have as that compassionate person.
Focus on your desires to become a compassionate person and to be able to think, feel, and act compassionately. Imagine yourself with each of the qualities of compassion – wisdom, strength, warmth, and responsibility.
First, imagine yourself with a wealth of wisdom. This wisdom comes from your understanding about the nature of life, of our minds and bodies. Spend some time thinking about how much goes on inside of us which is not our fault.
Next, when you have a grasp on how it feels to have this wisdom, imagine having a compassionate strength. Allow your body posture to change in order to match how this compassionate strength feels. Imagine yourself as a person that understands your own difficulties and those of others in a non-judgmental way, and has the confidence to be sensitive and the tolerance to withstand difficulties.
When you have added a sense of strength to your wisdom, move on to focusing on warmth. Imagine that you are warm and kind, to yourself and to others. Create a facial expression to match, and try to keep it on as you work through the exercise. Imagine yourself speaking to someone kindly, and note the tone of your voice. Imagine reaching out to someone with warmth and feel what that might be like.
Finally, imagine yourself with a sense of responsibility. Imagine that you have no interest in condemning or blaming others or yourself and that you only want to do the best you can to help yourself and others through a difficult situation. Hold on to your compassionate facial expression and warmth and focus on the experience of committing yourself to a compassionate path.
Remember that it doesn’t matter if you feel you actually have these qualities or not, just imagine that you have them. It may be difficult to imagine yourself with these qualities, but no one gains them overnight – like anything else, being wise, strong, warm, and responsible comes with time and practice.
To try this exercise, sit somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed and begin to focus on your breathing. Think about a time when you felt very kind and caring towards a person or a beloved animal.
Try not to choose a time when that person or animal was very distressed because then you are likely to focus on that distress instead of the kind, compassionate feelings for him or her.
Next, focus on the desire to help the person or animal, and the feelings of kindness that will guide you to help. Remember that in this exercise it is your intentions that are important, not how the person or animal responds.
Bring to mind a specific time when you felt compassionate towards him or her. Imagine yourself expanding, as if you are becoming calmer, wise, stronger, and more responsible, and able to help him or her.
Pay attention to your body as you remember how it felt to be kind. Spend some time expanding with warmth in your body. Notice the genuine desire for this person to be free of suffering and to flourish.
Spend a minute or two thinking about the tone of your voice and the kinds of things you said, or the kinds of things you did or wanted to do to help.
Spend another minute or two on thinking about how good it felt to be kind to him or her.
Finally, focus only on your desire to be helpful and kind: the sense of warmth, feelings of expansion, your kind tone of voice, the wisdom in your voice and your behavior. When you have finished this exercise, you may want to take some notes about how this felt for you.
This exercise also requires a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Try to create a sense of being a compassionate person, as you did in the previous two exercises. Some days this will be easier than others, but hold on to even the slightest glimmer of feeling like a compassionate person.
Next, think about someone you care about (e.g., a partner, friend, parent, child, or even a beloved animal). Focus on them and direct your attention towards them with three basic feelings and thoughts:
Remember that it is your behavior and intentions that are important, rather than how he or she will react. Be gentle, take your time, and allow yourself to focus on the desires and wishes you create in yourself for this other being.
It may help to picture them smiling at you and sharing these feelings. Spend some time simply focusing on this genuine desire of yours for the other to be happy.
Memory can be a great tool for provoking and practicing compassion. Begin with your soothing rhythm breathing and practice this for a minute or two.
Once you feel that your body has slowed down a bit, prepare for the exercise by allowing your body posture and facial expression to become compassionate.
Feel free to play around with postures and facial expressions, but whatever expression and posture you go with, they should be gentle.
Once you are ready, think of a time when someone was kind to you. Like the previous exercise, you shouldn’t think of a time when someone was kind to you because you were in distress; the point of this exercise is not to focus on your distress, but on the desire to be kind and to help others.
Put on your compassionate expression and adopt the compassionate body posture you have cultivated as you remember the compassion you received. Recall how it felt to receive that kindness.
Spend a minute thinking about the expressions of the person who was kind to you and mimicking them, if that helps. If you’re having trouble remembering them, imagine the person moving toward you with a smile on their face or their head tilted to one side.
While recalling the memory, focus on the important sensory qualities of your memory. Try the following steps:
When you are ready, let the memory gently fade. Come slowly out of the exercise, and take some notes about how you felt before, during, and after the exercise.
This exercise can be focused on one of two different “selves.” You can do both if you wish, but focus on only one at a time.
First, you can focus your compassion on your troubled self. It will help if you have completed the exercise in which you imagined yourself as a completely compassionate person, full of wisdom, strength, warmth, and responsibility.
First, come to a quiet and contemplative place. Notice how your body feels, and remember to focus on your facial expressions. When you feel you have engaged your compassionate self, move on to the first step.
Imagine that you are watching a video of yourself like you’re watching a movie. You watch yourself get up in the morning, moving around your bedroom, and preparing yourself for the day. Be sure to keep your compassionate and kind position as you watch this “home movie.”
Notice how the person you are watching is troubled by self-critical thoughts or feelings, and be in touch with their struggle – but don’t get dragged down into it. Keep your compassionate self forward, looking through the eyes of compassion and with the intention of being warm, kind, and helpful.
If you sense your compassionate self wandering away, let the imagery fade and go back to the first exercise: finding your soothing rhythm breath. Recapture your compassionate expression and upright, confident posture and begin again.
This exercise can help you to adopt a more objective view of yourself and your struggles – a very difficult thing to do. It can also help you develop your own intuitive wisdom and abilities to heal, to become more accepting of yourself.
For the second version, the focus will be on your anxious self. Whether you have a diagnosis of anxiety or not, you likely struggle with some anxiety at one point or another. This exercise can help you tap into your compassion for your anxious self.
Like you did with the troubled self, spend a few minutes engaging your compassionate self. Feel yourself slowing down, and adopt your compassionate expression.
Next, imagine yourself in a situation where you become anxious. Remember to keep your compassionate position. Look at your anxious self through the eyes of your compassionate self and practice compassion for the person that you see. Understand and empathize with your anxious self, and extend compassion to him or her.
Imagine how you might like to help that person, what you might want to say to help them deal with their anxiety. You might say something to validate their emotions, or you may say something encouraging to help them recognize their ability to pull through the anxiety. Whatever you say, make sure it’s kind and helpful.
Imagine time gradually moving, and see yourself gradually reducing your anxiety until enough time has passed that the anxiety is all gone. Get a sense of how it feels to have come through an anxiety episode, and offer your anxious self some encouragement and understanding. Recognize the courage that it took your anxious self to get through the episode.
Later, when you’re in a situation that is causing your anxiety to spike, practice switching to your soothing rhythm breath. Spend a few moments slowing down, reminding yourself of your compassionate self, and seeing yourself through the eyes of compassion.
The final exercise in this PDF is Creating a Compassionate Ideal. It will be helpful to complete the other exercises before moving on to this one, especially the initial exercise, the exercise in which you cultivate a compassionate expression, and the safe place exercise.
Engage your soothing rhythm breath and adopt your compassionate expression. Recall your safe place, with all the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings that come with it. Remind yourself that this is your special place and that it delights in your presence. If you wish, this is a good place to create and “meet” your compassionate self.
Create a compassionate vision of yourself. It may be created out of the mist in front of you, or it may snap into existence once you have the idea in mind. It may be walking toward you with a smile.
Once you build a solid image of your compassionate self, think about the qualities that your compassionate image holds. These questions can help you build a good image:
Remember that your compassionate image wants you to be free from suffering and to flourish. The compassionate self understands that we are all just doing the best we can, and it understands that the emotions that can pop up in our minds are not our fault.
Experience what it is like to focus on the feeling that another being values and cares for you unconditionally. Focus on the idea that your compassionate self is looking at you with warmth and kindness, and imagine that they have the following desires for you:
Practice this exercise as much as you need to tap into your compassionate self and surround both yourself and others with love, acceptance, and compassion.
The Positive Psychology Toolkit© is a groundbreaking practitioner resource containing over 500 science-based exercises, activities, interventions, questionnaires, and assessments created by experts using the latest positive psychology research.
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In addition to the previous exercises, there are some Compassion Focused Therapy worksheets and handouts that can help you cultivate compassion. Two of these worksheets are listed and described below.
Although this resource is more of a handout than a worksheet, it is a great way to learn about compassion focused therapy and the important role that compassion plays in our lives.
First, What Is Compassion-Focused Therapy? gives some background on CFT (Gilbert 2009; Gilbert, 2010a):
Next, the CFT model is described (Gilbert, 2009):
The handout also describes how developing compassion will affect the symptoms of mental illness:
The key messages communicated by this handout include:
“The things that have happened to you in your life are not your fault, but it is your responsibility to alleviate your suffering.”
“Compassion is about choosing to be the best version of you that you can be.”
“You are living a life that was not of your choosing.”
This Compassion Formulation Worksheet will walk you through the process of forming compassion for yourself. It might seem like an unnecessarily in-depth process, but this makes sense when you consider how deeply some of the self-criticisms are embedded in ourselves, and how early in our lives they set in.
The worksheet follows a “problem → coping strategy → unintended consequences” format, but it focuses on the importance of compassionate processes as well.
The first step is to identify the past influences on the shame, self-blaming, and self-criticism behaviors that you experience today. This space encourages you to dig up any emotional shame memories, or early memories of abuse or trauma that led to shame and self-blame.
In the “Primary Fears” section, you must write down the fears that they struggle with most in terms of shame, blame, and criticism. There are internal and external fears. Internal fears relate to anxiety, panic, shame, depression, or rage. External fears relate to the power the external world has over you, including rejection, shaming, and the potential to hurt you (Gilbert & Procter, 2006).
Next, the worksheet presents the “Protective/Defensive Behaviors” box. This is where you are to note the defensive measures he or she takes to avoid getting hurt and minimize risk.
Internal defensive behaviors are used to keep the self from experiencing difficult internal situations or emotions and can include dissociation, substance misuse, harming oneself, and constantly reminding oneself of one’s faults, flaws, and weaknesses.
External defensive behaviors are intended to help the individual avoid harm from others, and include blaming the self, silencing the self, being submissive and non-assertive, distrusting others, and keeping others at a distance (Gilbert & Procter, 2006).
Finally, the worksheet displays the cyclical nature of safety and defensive behaviors in relation to the unintended outcomes and how people relate to themselves. “Unintended Outcomes” refer to the outcomes from these protective and defensive behaviors that the individual does not foresee or intend to produce.
These outcomes can be things like self-harassment, exhaustion, inability to be at peace with oneself, feelings of emotional isolation or feeling like an “outsider,” or never learning or considering what one’s own needs are (Gilbert & Procter, 2006).
These unintended outcomes can have a profound and negative impact on how one relates to oneself. People may attack themselves for bringing about these unintended outcomes, leading to even more protective/defensive behaviors, which also result in unintended outcomes – it is easy to see how the cycle perpetuates itself.
In the “Relationship With Self” box, you should write down how the unintentional outcomes of your protective and defensive behaviors make you feel about yourself, and how these feelings lead you to more unproductive protective/defensive behaviors.
This worksheet can be an emotionally challenging one to complete, but it is vital for anyone who is in compassion focused therapy or is interested in building self-compassion. It may be a long road to self-compassion, but the journey is worth the outcome at the end!
Giving Yourself Permission to be HumanMany people suffer from negative self-talk. It feeds off the impossibly high expectations we set for ourselves and thrives when we make even the slightest mistake. To overcome this, we can start by giving ourselves permission to be human.
Humans make mistakes, their bodies aren’t perfect, they’re not always productive, nor are they always the perfect friend, parent, or spouse. We mess up sometimes, and although it’s painful and frightening, it’s also human.
We must show ourselves kindness and compassion when life gets difficult. Giving ourselves permission to be human will be a difficult but important journey.
When your mind starts being critical, reflect on and practice saying these phrases to yourself. By giving yourself permission to be human, you will find relief and it will bring you closer to a loving and compassionate relationship with yourself.
